The cop left at 9pm. I am here with his little puppy right now, watching a car show in a room that has both a fan and functioning A/C. I still feel anxious. I met one of the roommates and he seemed less than thrilled to meet me. Now I am upstairs with the puppy, just hanging out for the next hour before I go downstairs and let him out so I can try and get some sleep.

I told the cop that I have a place for tomorrow, which is partially true. I think I will be staying in one of the school’s apartment buildings {{some dude I met on yikyak has offered to let me in the building and said there are a ton of empty rooms that I can stay in, but will just need to get out before maintance comes in the morning}} so I can shower {{gym is closed on the weekends}}.

.::.

Honestly, I want, more than anything, for my advisor to just fix this. I do not want to live like this for the next month and a half. I am unable to fix this on my own. I have found temporary solutions, but they are reckless, unsafe, and incredibly unwise.

.::.

On a brighter note, my once-thought-to-be-ex-BFF [[aka: OaOa]]and I are now talking again. It is nice having someone who understands how I think. It is so rare that I can find someone who can not only keep up with me intellectually, but also challenge my thinking and provide substantial wisdom. We have not spoken in quite some time.  I am glad I finally reached out to her again [[Note to self: Write post about OaOa]]

.::.

I am hungry.

With my ex right now. Heart hurts….

.::.

I had to cut the above thought short, so this is just a delayed continuation.

It went as well as could be expected. He talked and I listened. We went to Sonic, but I could only stomach a small slushy—and just barely at that. At one point he asked if I was doing okay and I honestly answered, “no.”

No, I am not okay. I am completely falling apart. I feel so incredibly sick, mostly due to the amount of heat/humidity I have been exposed to {{temps were in the 100s}} on next to no food/water. I am doing everything in my power to not feel anything. I came somewhat close to shedding a tear, but I remained strong. If I let myself cry once, it will never stop and that will be the true end of the beginning. I cannot fall apart.

.::.

I did visit two barns before meeting him. Both were lovely, but I doubt I will be able to afford it. Still, it is a nice thought and not a bad goal to shoot for.

.::.

I am in the student union right now until it closes at 7pm, then back to the cop’s house. He said he leaves for work at 9pm, so I need to be there around 8:00ish. Then I will most likely hide away in the room until tomorrow morning, so as to avoid his roommates. Also, I will be telling him that I found a place to stay tomorrow night. I do not yet know where that is, but I cannot stay more than one night with him. He must be risking a lot to help me out, no point in dragging that out any longer than necessary. Especially since I can legally sleep in my car.

Alright, enough procrastinating. I need to register this math lab thing for my stats class.

The cop guy [[CaM]] is taking a nap right now—understandably so. I get to puppy-sit this adorable 5mo black lab/golden/pit/chow/mix. He is freaking hysterical.

I feel a lot calmer now. I doubt I will stay a week, but I will probably stay the night, possibly two. Regardless, I am going to offer to puppy-sit/train/etc if he ever needs help. Not for money, just because this puppy is so damn adorable!

.::.

Also, after I got out of the shower, he took me to the garage to show me their hot tub and in the garage is a GORGEOUS fucking white Porsche!!! I could have died right there. It was beautiful!!

He said he had something at 1:30pm, so I will probably leave around then and maybe go visit a few barns [[Note to self: write about the ponies later]] before heading back to the student union to pick up my package and work on my stats project that is due on Monday. Then I will meet my ex around 4:30ish and “go out” to eat.

.::.

Apparently the Buffalo Wild Wings near school is always hiring, so I am actually going to apply there and a bunch of other places to keep me busy. Hopefully I can find some ‘night’ jobs {{6pm and later}} as that is the latest any of the campus buildings are open till. I would much rather go from working on school in the morning to actually working instead of awkwardly sitting somewhere until 11pm rolls around so I can sleep. Speaking of which, I need to actually go to the school’s gym and check out the locker room to see if they actually have lockers…and I need to figure out where to park from now on. Maybe one of the parking garages?

I will check back later.

Terrified right now. I just got to his house. He seems really chill and nice, but I am still on edge. Apparently mum’s the word as he has roommates are cops, only they work in different departments, apparently. But he keeps telling me not to mention to anyone who I am crashing with—makes me think that this is not allowed.

He has several dogs—one who is an adorable black puppy. Such a cutie!!! I love this little guy. Focusing on him helps distract me and keep me calm—which is ironic because he is a ball full of energy and spaz.
This guy is so generous—willing to give me food and a place to stay. I think I may stay here for the week.

I did manage to fall asleep for almost an hour and a half. I woke up to the police officer at my window and we agreed to meet up after his shift ended {{8am}} so I could follow him to his house.

My stomach is in knots about the whole thing. I am trying to decide whether I am nervous because this is a bad idea or nervous just because I lack the basic ability to trust people, even in the slightest amount. I really wish I could see my advisor. I just want someone to tell me that things are going to be okay. Unless, of course, they are not going to be okay…

.::.

I will be meeting my ex today after he gets off of work. I guess he is taking me to dinner or something. He said he has a shirt of mine to give back as well. Whoo-fucking-Hoo.

.::.

Strong. Unbreakable. Emotionless.

.::.

Now I am sitting in the student union, waiting for this damn computer to load. I wanted to get some stuff done before I have to head back to the car. God, what have I done?

It is very quiet right now. Very quiet this time of day and, arguably, this time of year. It is peaceful. The only voices are those of the workers as they banter back and forth. It is an odd kind of serene.

.::.

I have no fucking clue what I am doing.

I am writing this at 3:47am because, 1) I fucking can and, 2) I am unable to sleep right now.

Today began with a flash—literally.

I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep right after I wrote my last post. I was somewhat tired, but not enough to ignore all the sounds outside. Next thing I know there is a light outside the car—which I first assumed {{incorrectly}} were the headlights of a car. I was gravely mistaken. It was an officer flashing his flashlight in my window. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to slow my heart rate down. He kept flashing his light, then turning it off and repeat until I eventually gave up and pretended to have a nightmare. {{How else was I supposed to explain having been able to sleep through this process for a significant period then magically being woken up without any additional stimulus?}} It must have gone on for 30 minutes—at the very minimum—before I “woke up.” Do you have any idea how hard it is to remain calm enough to give the appearance of sleep while a light it flashed in your face. It is very difficult, but it did become remarkably easier to “get into character” {{if by character I mean homeless female college student sleeping peacefully in the back of her car when it feels like a hundred degrees, with humidity, while a cop shines a light through her window, yet she still remains asleep…..I kind of lost the point of this sentence…}} as time progressed. I was actually quite impressed with my performance.

I had to get out of the car and he needed to see ID {{student and driver’s license}}, check for weapons, and ask about alcohol/drugs, before asking me what the hell I was doing and how long I planned to be doing it. He was very nice and kept asking questions to find out more about my situation. {{That made me uncomfortable. Even thinking about it now makes me feel uneasy}} I was honest, but precise in my answers, and he kept reassuring me that he was not running my name through the system and that what I said would be kept between us…{{Though to be honest, I was never worried about that. I was not even concerned that he might arrest me. Hell, if he did, I would have been able to sit in a building that possibly had working A/C.}} Then he offered me a couch—his couch—so I would have some place to stay that was safer than sleeping in my car {{Which is evidently not against the law in our city}}.

I really do not know how to feel about it. I am not sure if I should trust him. I mean, yes, he is a cop, but cops are people too and people are capable of doing bad things. He asked about food, how I shower, friends, family, and said he could house me for a bit—The only condition was that I just could not tell anyone. Easy enough seeing as I was in the mess specifically because I had no one.

I did not give him any sob story, I just answered his questions honestly. I tried to downplay it by saying, “that’s life,” but he quickly replied by saying no, that’s not life. That’s just people being asses. Truer words may not have been spoken.

.::.

I wish I had my advisor to talk to. I wish I could go back in time and enjoy the safety I felt in his home. I would give anything to feel that right now. If I could just kick myself for having focused so much on being upset that I had to leave instead of relishing every second.

.::.

I went to the nearest 24-hour store {{My ex called while I was in there…}} to use the bathroom {{I downed 3/4 of a smoothie on the drive down, thinking I could hold it till morning…that was an incorrect assumption, especially since I was now wide awake from my surprise encounter}}, then just walked around for a bit. Now I am back in the car and getting tired. I think I will try and get some sleep for the next 2 hours before I need to get up again.