Category: //For All it’s Worth: My Three Cents//

The rather eclectic writings of a silent writer…

Window Watcher

August 9, 2016

I am a window watcher.

You read correctly.  I am a window watcher.

 

Right now I am looking out the window of the computer lab, watching people on our campus’ Great Lawn, and it finally hits me:  I am a window watcher.  I watch from all sorts of windows.  Sometimes, like now, they are physical windows, but most of the time they are entirely metaphorical.

 

I have had to figure most things in life out on my own.  I never had a mentor or parental figure to guide me along.  Instead, I have had to play this trial-and-error game where, more times than not, I failed and failed miserably.  Even more unfortunate was the fact that most of the adults in my life {{coaches, teachers, professors}} were not entirely positive towards me.  I was often punished, mocked, and ridiculed for making even the smallest mistakes.  Through years of this I eventually stopped doing things altogether, unless I was absolutely positive I could execute perfectly.  Anything requiring public lessons or practice, I avoided like the plague.

Maybe I was trying to avoid being harassed or embarrassed, but honestly I think I was more terrified of being a disappointment or failure.  When you are raised to achieve perfection at any cost, anything less is unacceptable.  This, of course, is impossible.  No one can achieve perfection all the time.  An argument can even be made that perfection is unattainable.  Regardless, I eventually stopped doing and started watching.

I would avoid soccer practice because I was not very good at shooting or doing some of the drills, but would look forward to all the games because that is where I shined most.  I would not participate in any games, especially team games, out of fear that I would mess up and look less than perfect.  I stopped doing a lot of things out of fear for what others may think.  I was so consumed with this fear I have let it run my entire life.  So many things I missed out on because I needed everyone to see me as perfect and strong, not flawed and weak.

So I have watched out the window, secretly longing to be apart of the world I am in.  Every day I feel less of a participant and more of an observer.  This is not who I wanted to be.  The sad part is, I may just be too late to change any of it.

\/Here’s to You…\/

August 4, 2016

I am a mess.  Period.

My life is in complete disarray.

My very future hangs in the balance.

/\/\/\/

My life is like the punchline to a very, very bad joke.  The kind where you laugh, not to be polite, but out of shock because you cannot believe what you just heard.  As if this terrible joke was so terrible it could not have possibly been thought of, let alone uttered out loud for all to hear.  That is what my life is like—so terrible that it is quite unbelievable.

Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself: is this really happening right now?  Now?!?

Yes, unfortunately it is happening now.  Even with everything that I cannot control, you would think I would have some sort of support group, right?  Alas, I lack that as well.  Indeed, I have one person in my corner.  One.  I am greatly appreciative of that one person, but at times I cannot help but wonder if maybe all the others who gave up on me were right to do so.  Maybe they all saw something that I could not.

I am surrounded by people who tell me I cannot.  People who have given up on me.  People who laugh, shame, and mock.  I have a world telling me all the things I am incapable of and it is overwhelming.  Nevertheless, I get back up and keep fighting.  Because I am a fighter.  I will always be a fighter.  I have been fighting for so long I no longer know what it feels like to be at peace—to rest.

/\/\/\/

When I was 16 I tried to end my life.  I thought the world was better off without me, I thought things would never get better, I though dying was the easy way out, and I thought I could not handle the pain any longer.

Almost 5 years later and I can tell you that I know those things to be untrue.

 

The world would not be better off without me. It may not be better with me, but I know that dying will not make the world a better place.  The way I see it is this: if you have a completely pitch black room—void of all light—and light a match, the room lights up quite a bit.  Little by little as you light the following matches, each lights up the room a little bit more, but none as much as the original match.  By the time you get to the 12th match, it adds a bit to the room, but it is so insignificant it might as well not even be there.  I am the twelfth match.  Although I may be capable of wonderfully amazing things, in the end it does not even matter.

Things can get better.  Odds are they will not, but even the smallest possibility means there is a chance, however improbable.  Things very well could get better in the future.

Dying is—by no means—the easy way out.  The human body was meant to live.  It was meant to survive and adapt, even in the most extreme conditions.  It was not designed to give up and die.  Physical aspect aside, do you know how difficult it is to overcome the mind’s self-preservation?  Do you have any idea how unbelievably hard it is to override that mindset in order to actually go through with such an act?  It is damn near impossible—especially if the plan is methodically thought out and not just acted on an impulse.  So no, dying is not the easy way.  It is, however, permanent.

I can handle this pain along with whatever else life can throw at me.  I have been to hell and back again.  Many times.  I guess you could say I am a frequent flyer.  I am strong and I am a fighter.  I can take anything.

 

My old mindset has been completely pushed aside.  Instead, I have thought through it all rationally and logically.  Perhaps that is the problem.  You see, before I could be reasoned with.  I could come to believe that better things were out there.  Now…now things are so much worse.

Apathy is such a tragically beautiful thing.  I no longer care.  I have no desire for things to get better.  I do not want to be happy or pain free.  I want to be nothing. I do not care about the future or what it can bring.  I simply want to be at peace and rest.

/\/\/\/

Now, I am sure you are very curious as to why I would even write such a thing.  After all, what does that have to do with anything?  Everything actually.

I want to die.  Pure and simple.  However, I have never been someone to follow trends or go along with the flow.  I ruffle the proverbial feathers and set this irrelevant trends.  Even with something as morbid as dying.  I do not wish to die like this.  No, that simply will not do.  If I die now, then everyone will assume they know why I died.  I lost my family, house, “friends”, boyfriend…I had nothing left.  If I died now there would be no intrigue, no mystery, no questioning.  They would all be so smug to think they figured it out and no note would ever tell them otherwise.  So instead I shall wait, for the time being, until I feel right.  It would be easy to end it when everything is awful…but to die when all it looking well and going great?  That will keep them guessing for sure…

/\/\/\/

So here’s to those who said I was a failure.  Said I was worthless.  Said I would never succeed.

Here’s to the backstabbers and whispers in the halls.

Here’s to the innumerable stares and comments.

Here’s to everyone who gave up on me, deeming me unsaveable—or worse yet, not even worth trying.

Here’s the the nay-sayers, the haters, the ones who bet on my fall.

 

Here is to you all.  Thank you for forcing me to depend only on myself and teaching me to trust no one.  I have no earthly idea how long my life will last, but I know it is longer than any of you suspected.

 

Here’s to you…