Category: .::No Place to Call Home::.

My journey living in my own, without a place to call home.

.::…and We Danced::.

July 7, 2019

“And we danced

And we cried

And we laughed

And had a really, really, really good time

Take my hand, let’s have a blast

And remember this moment for the rest of our lives…”

It’s been a while. A very long while. Somewhere between too long and not long enough; an eternity and yet no time at all.

I am overwhelmed with this feeling of being helplessly adrift, roaming wherever the wind takes me—a wanderer with no home.

Every choice I have made lately has been a miscalculation, ending with disastrous results. Despite all the bad that has happened, I know I have things I should be so thankful for—and I am—but I always have one foot out the door. I’m always ready to bolt if things get bad, because that seems so much better than the alternative…..the alternative being what exactly? Happiness followed by pain? Love followed by heartbreak? I get so stuck in my own head that I forget everything else. I forget that the good can’t happen without the bad. The light needs the dark. That’s life.

So today, as I sit here on this pier, surrounded by old friends, I am letting myself dance. I’m letting myself laugh. Today I choose to let myself be happy. And that’s okay. It’s more than okay.

.::Out of Nowhere::.

August 23, 2018

“they hit you out of nowhere.  when bad things come, they come suddenly, without warning.  we rarely get to see the catastrophe coming, no matter how well we try to prepare for it…

I’ve seen better days.  My plans of completing all my exams this week flamed brilliantly.  My class schedule is a disaster.  And I’m in so much pain after a poorly misguided individual mistook me for someone with money.  I now have a ghastly gash across my forehead, whose origin varies depending on who I am talking to.  My Person found me on Tuesday morning, ~8 hours after the incident, slumped against a wall and covered in my own blood, Carrie-style.  All my attempts to fix these problems have resulted in failure.  I prepared.  I worked hard.  I did everything I could, but it never seems to be enough.

I have been avoiding Mit after a monumental lapse fuck up that led to my fear of losing her and subsequent compounding of said error by another, albeit less monumental fuck up.  I cannot lose something else right.  But despite my best efforts, yesterday I nearly ran into her while she was walking up the main stairwell in AcBu, recognizing her only by her pants, I quickly diverted paths to another hallway before she could say anything.  However, my efforts were in vain.  I was standing in a cutout of the main 2nd floor hallway listened to a voicemail [[which is usually safe, I might add. Especially at 5:30pm]], I heard a shoe squeak and peaked my head out to take a look.  Seeing Mit and her husband walking my way, I quickly ducked my head back and mumbled several expletives.  There was no way to escape, so I painfully waited for them to walk past.

Mit stopped to say hello, as to be expected, and seeing me shoe-less joked that she knew they required closed-toed shoes, but… That made us all chuckle.  I informed her that my shoes got wet in the rain and I was just waiting for them to dry.  She then asked how I was doing and we both just kind of nodded for a couple of seconds before I replied that I was doing okay.  She told me that she was going to be in her office tomorrow [[read: which is now today]] afternoon if I wanted to stop by to talk.  I quickly nodded and she said that yeah, why don’t I just stop by tomorrow afternoon.  She gave me a big hug, reminded me that she wouldn’t be in until the afternoon, and told me that if I needed flip flops to just let her know.

When I looked over to her husband, his face had softened, brows furrowed in concern and eyes tender, filled with empathy — a look I have not seen on his face before.  I do not know him very well, but he has been there for a few of my worse seizures and was the one to alert Mit when I was seizing in the hallway, surrounded by EMS and staff members late last fall in 2017 [[which resulted in my first hospitalization. And that was before I was close to her]].  He is a kind, quiet man, but has always been friendly and considerate to me, no doubt aware of my situation in a large capacity, a likelihood I am perfectly fine with.  But even so, I will never forget that look.  And in that moment, even as they were leaving, I felt at peace.  I felt safe; something I have not felt in quite some time.  I no longer felt anxious and the nausea I have felt every day for the past several months was gone.  It is then that I am starting to get it…I think I am beginning to understand that she cares—I mean genuinely feeling it, not just knowing it in my head.  And that was just yesterday.

.::.

Today at 10am I met with my Neuro adviser to discuss a class I desperately need to get into.  I screwed up my registration last semester and couldn’t get the override paperwork turned in until 8am, but by that time it had already filled up.  I’ve waited all summer trying to figure out what I was going to do when I realized that the class only had 23 spot for registration, but the classroom [[which is technically a lab]] has 24 seats.  Long story short, I had to wait for registration to open up again, which was yesterday, and hope that I could slip in with this technicality.

My adviser was nice and funny, as always and after asking about how I was [[quickly answering for me by saying, “obviously not great”]], what had happened, and where my service dog was [[for him I answered honestly about housing and being jumped the other night, to which he closed his eyes and shook his head slowly]], he instantly offered to speak to the head of our biology and chemistry department and clear things up.  We signed the form so he could take it right over to the registrar’s office if he got approval and said how much he hated that I just kept having to take additional bites of life’s shit sandwich [[best. analogy. ever.]].  I thanked him and went on my way.  Not an hour later I received an email from him saying that the closed course override was submitted to the registrar and to check my schedule for confirmation.  I am overwhelmed with happiness.  Pure, unadulterated bliss.  I was expecting a hard no or some other negative response, as has been the current trajectory of life.  This good news came out of nowhere and I cannot stop smiling.  The joy I feel is like coming up for a fresh breath of air after being trapped in the water.  You forget what it feels like.  How amazing it feels to be happy — for something to go right.

When I left his office, I told him that even though life has been one perpetual drawing of the short straw, I had a lot of faculty supporting me and that made all the difference.  He quickly agreed, replying that I certainly had very strong advocates on my side.  What a true statement that is.

Now here I sit.  This is a feeling I never want to forget.  These moments come so rarely now, I often forget they ever existed.  I often forget that these moments are possible, especially when my whole world seems to be falling apart.  These are the moments I want to remember.  These are the moments I need to remember.  That even though life continues to blindside me with endless problems and obstacles, sometimes it blindsides me with good moments that are powerful enough to overcome all the bad.  Even though the feeling doesn’t last forever, that is what makes it even more potent and euphoric.

…we do our very best, but sometimes, it’s just not good enough.  we buckle our seat belts, we wear a helmet, we stick to the lighted paths.  we try to be safe. we try so hard to protect ourselves, but it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference, ’cause when the bad things come, they come out of nowhere.  the bad things come suddenly, with no warning.  but we forget that sometimes, that’s how the good things come too.“
— grey’s anatomy

 

.:.:Home is a Feeling:.:.

August 14, 2018

“home is not a place…

…it’s a feeling”

I always thought it was a stupid cliche.  You know, the “home is a feeling, not a place.”  I never understood what that felt like.  Home was always a dirty word.  To me, home was just another word that I would never be able to use in it’s entire definition because life dealt me a crappy hand, but I think I get it now.  This place has become my home and I feel it in my very core.  I was gone for a little bit a few weeks ago and shortly into the trip, I felt what I can only imagine home sickness feels like.  I never felt homesick before, but I think that’s what it was.  I wanted nothing more than to be home in The Cave on campus, despite everything that has gone on.  I missed my home.  That’s right, I said the H-word.  I can honestly call this place my home — completely and entirely.

It’s not just The Cave though — it’s this campus in general.  It’s the people that I care about here; the faculty, the staff, the students.  I’ve met my best friends here.  I’ve met the most amazing mentors and advisers here.  I’ve discovered who I am here, matured and grown as a person here.  This place is where I feel safe and comfortable.  It’s a place I know and feel known.  I’ve made mistakes here, but I’ve also been redeemed and forgiven here as well.

I have lived in many houses over the past 22 years, but I never had a home until last fall in 2017 [[maybe spring ’17, but that’s only when it started, it didn’t feel like home until later that fall]], and believe me, there is a huge difference between the two.  Don’t get me wrong, crap still happens and this place is not perfect by any definition.  What makes it home is not dependent on the absence of bad things, but despite the abundance of it.

Maybe I make too big a deal of this, but you have to remember I’ve never felt like this before — I think I’m entitled to a little bit of overreacting.  Regardless, I finally get what home feels like and it is a feeling I never want to forget.

 

.:.:The Cave:.:.

August 14, 2018

“i like this place and willingly could waste my time in it.” — shakespeare

By now you are well aware that in 2015 [[the summer following my freshman year when I first found myself homeless]] I began spending time in the science academic building of my university, aka AcBu.  That year I did not have access to any labs or data rooms, which complicated things a bit.  However, by the time the following summer rolled around, I was more prepared.  In the Fall semester of 2015 I discovered that one of my research professors [[Known as principal investigator or PI]] had a data room in addition to the lab that we used for our studies and meetings.  One evening I found the key in a drawer up in the lab with a sticker of a room number here in AcBu.  I decided to go on a treasure hunt to find it and sure enough I found it on the first floor in a section of the building that rarely gets any foot traffic.  It is a cozy little room with a window, two desks, two large file cabinets, and various boxes filled with old data.  Needless to say I unofficially claimed the room as mine and spent most of my time there during the semester.  I found it especially useful to study in since I had so many textbooks, it was much easier to leave stuff there and change notebooks out in between classes [[almost like a locker]].  I then found myself sleeping in there as well since it was easier to crash there than to walk all the way back to my apartment on the far side of campus.  It may seem lazy, but with all the credits I was taking and resulting enormous workload, any time I could shave off would help tremendously.

Fast forward to Summer 2016 after my apartment lease ran out, it took me no time at all to decide I would just “move in” to the data room until I was able to move into another room on campus.  It worked out pretty well.  I used the empty cabinet drawers to hold my clothes, etc. and used my sweatshirts/jackets to create a softer surface to sleep on at night.  In the morning I would fold it all up and put it away, out of sight.  I had a pretty good system going.  At first it was a bit stressful because security would come around after the building closed at midnight and check all the doors, but I had gotten fairly used to it during the school year, so I just had to make sure the door was locked and all the lights were off.  Plus, I brought in my air purifier, so the sound effectively covered up any noises in the hallway, which has been fantastic.  Overall, it has been a nice little place to call my home.

I should probably mention now that my PI is well aware I camp out in the data room; he finds the whole thing rather comical.  He is completely fine with me staying here, especially since I don’t really have any other good options.  He’s not the only one, though.  Most of my friends know that this is my home.  It’s always been a standing joke that science majors “live” in AcBu, but when they find out I actually do, their expression is typically one of shock, followed by comments about being hardcore or not being surprised considering who I am.

I’m sure you’re wondering by now how it received its name.  It wasn’t until this past Spring ’18, when I was walking out of a mandatory honors seminar late in the semester.  I ran into a girl who was a pledge in my chemistry fraternity.  We began talking and she just walked with me as I headed back to the data room.  I had met her before, but this time we really just hit it off.  Anyway, I showed her to the data room and she was amazed, calling it my “cave.”  We chatted for a while longer and I offered to let her come and study with me anytime I was in the room since I was pretty much there anytime I wasn’t in class.  To make a long story less long, she ended up spending most of the remaining semester in the data room with me, calling it “the cave” every time, so it stuck.

I think the best part is that it has become my home.  I would love to have a real room, where I don’t have to worry about being locked out between midnight and 6am, but this place really has become my home.  During the week I wait until 11:30pm before I head up to the 3rd floor and slip into one of the labs so I can get into the prep room, which has the most amazing ice maker.  There I fill up this container I have with freshly made ice as it’s coming out, top it off, then walk back downstairs where I contently eat it with a spoon while watching an episode of Rick and Morty before going to sleep; it’s a wonderful routine.  The best part is all the wonderful people I’ve met since I’m here all hours of the day/night.  I’ve become great friends with the custodial and night staff, which is helpful if I were to ever need something.

All this to say, The Cave is my home and I love it with all my heart.

 

.::I’m No Savior::.

August 13, 2018

“it’s the strength you fake, it’s what you make of to find some small relief. and the sickness takes you and when it does soon, it’s gonna take me too.
i don’t want to be the brave one anymore. i can’t be the brave one anymore … oh the pills don’t take away the pain. why can’t the pills just take away her pain? oh i, no i can’t heal her. oh i, no i’m no savior.” –adam agin, “i’m no savior”

Do you ever have those moments when you just can’t anymore?  Like, it doesn’t matter what it is, you just can’t.  I sometimes wonder what would happen if I let go… would the world fall apart?  Would I just implode?  I know that I help people, and I am glad to do it, but realizing the limited capacity of my abilities is soul crushing.  There is so much I want to do, but sometimes it’s not up to me.  Sometimes I can’t fix them. And that–that is enough to keep me up at night.  This is compounded during times when I can barely take care of myself.  Times like right now.  I feel completely helpless and don’t know what to do.  Summers are the worst because they leave me with too much time to think and thinking too much can be quite dangerous for me.

.::.

I met with some clients a couple hours ago to go over last minute details before they leave for their trip on the 17th.  Hopefully everything goes well because this $200 check is very much needed so I can pay for my meds this month.  I know I was supposed to meet with Mit, but I can’t let her see what I’ve become over the past couple of weeks.  Honestly, deep down I believe that she wouldn’t be mad and would genuinely want me to come and talk to her, but I cannot seem to bring myself to do it.

Otherwise, things are going as well as can be expected.  I spend all my time in The Cave and barely go outside.  It seems to work fairly well, but I can feel myself getting worse each day.  Trying to get things done is extremely difficult, despite having copious amount of time during the day.  It’s just the atmosphere.  With barely any human interaction from day to day, I can feel myself feeling more depressed.  However, I am going to try to force myself to finish the rest of my schoolwork now that we are quickly approaching the fall semester.  Here’s to hoping that tomorrow will be better.

 

 

.::Be Brave Brain::.

August 3, 2018

“there comes a point where it all becomes too much. when we get too tired to fight anymore. we give up. that’s when the real work begins. to find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all.” -grey’s anatomy

I know I disappeared.  I’m sorry.  It’s already 2018 in the last month of summer before my senior year of undergrad starts.  So much has happened.  For starters, I have been diagnosed with epilepsy, which has thrown the biggest wrench into my life–wreaking havoc where it may.  I took a tumble down a flight of marble stairs in one of our academic buildings early in the spring semester and was in the hospital for 8 days.  I was released, but bound to a wheelchair, unable to walk.  I was in that wheelchair for the remainder of the semester–over 2 months.  That changed everything.

The rest of the semester was a shambled mess as I tried to make up everything I missed.  The result?  Incompletes in every class, minus my two labs.  I shouldn’t have to tell you that being in a wheelchair, unable to exercise, coupled with frustration and lack of impulse control {courtesy of the TBI I sustained in the fall} was one of the biggest obstacles I’ve had to overcome in a very long time.  But with a lot of self-control and perseverance, I worked my ass off and am up and climbing stairs once again.

I’m sure you’re waiting for some good news.  Well, the on campus apartment I was currently living in was snatched from me as my suitemates signed a retention form with someone else living in my room while I was in the hospital, effectively kicking me out of my room as soon as the lease ended in the beginning of July–rendering me homeless for the 3rd consecutive year.  Better yet, I received an email from housing informing me that I would not be placed in a room for this next academic year as they had no room, so I will likely be homeless for the next semester at best.  I then find out that the admin of my school {with whom I have been fighting with for the past 2 years} threatened to dismiss me from the uni unless I followed all of their demands.  To add even more onto the now insurmountable pile of things I must deal with, my neurologist {whom I have grown very fond of and trust as he specializes in epilepsy and genuinely cares about me} informed me he was leaving this practice to accept an offer in Ohio.  Fucking Ohio.  This is a man who believes me and isn’t trying to pawn me off as some psychogenic head case, which my previous neurologist so easily did.  The best part?  I now have to go back to my old neuro, which means I am royally screwed.

Honestly, I could add more, but I don’t really feel the need.  You get the idea–life sucks right now.  Really sucks.  But the silver lining is that I actually have an incredible group of professors here that have really rallied behind me, which means the world to me.  Some days are worse than others.  My brain isn’t wired for breaks or summers.  I need to be around people in high stress situations and have a challenge or purpose in order to function.  During the summer I am all alone for the most part, which is depressing to say the least.  Right now I am able to hide out in one of the data rooms here in the science building and I’m crossing fingers that no one finds out.  I mean, the custodial/night staff have walked in a couple of times early in the morning and found me on the floor with a blanket, but they never say anything and just shut the door quietly so as to not disturb me.  However, if admin or security found out, I’m worried they would keep checking this room, which means I would have to start sleeping out in my car again and with all this rain, PD would eventually figure out I was there and that would be deja vu, freshman year all over again.

Anyway, the good news is that I have an amazing professor who has acted as a surrogate mum and hasn’t given up on me yet.  She makes me think that I can really do this thing.  I just need to be brave and keep fighting.

Here’s hoping that the third time really is a charm.

.::Day 47—5:18pm::.

August 16, 2016

I am watching him walk to his truck right now. I sat outside of AcBu so I could catch him when he came out, but apparently he went out the far door, by the computer lab. I seriously want to cry right now. I just wanted something. Something from someone I trust. 

At least I do not have to leave thinking I have a chance to see him. My heart just hurts. I was so fucking close. So close, but I might as well have been a fucking mile away. 

.::Day 47—5:00pm::.

August 16, 2016

I saw him. I just saw him. I logged out of the computer in the lab, figuring I would go to the store and he and the other faculty were all walking up the stairs. I have no idea if he saw me, but my heart feels so torn I just really need a hug, but I cannot just go up to him. Yet I cannot bring myself to leave the building either. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Do I even want to see him? What would I say? I have no fucking clue. I think I just crave someone’s attention. I crave someone caring about me. And that is not something I should expect or hope of him. 

.::Day 47—4:49pm::.

August 16, 2016

I ate way too many calories yesterday.  I am such a failure.  I finished my math, but only got at 80% on the exam.  A few of the points deducted were machine error, but whatever.  I tried to sleep last night, but I could not get out of my head.  I ended up crying for a few minutes at nearly 2am before getting up to make some popcorn to watch Netflix for a bit.  I need to start taking Benadryl again.

I went to the interview, which went fairly well I think.  I am glad I decided to dress it up a little more than I previously planned.  I could have done better though.  I wish I had someone here with me.  When I went back to the apartment, someone had shut the door I propped open so I drove across the street and parked in a faculty lot so I could hang in AcBu, not to mention change out of my nice clothes.  I am so glad I was prepared with a change of clothes just in case.

I doubt I will get the job.  It is probably better that was anyways.  I am not overly qualified at all and I know they are interviewing other people for the position.

Also, on a side note, The Bat is here on campus today.  I guess they had some academic welcome back thing and I saw his truck…Just the relief I felt when I saw it in the parking lot.  I really want to see him, but have no idea what I would say.  Part of me wants to brush off everything that has happened and act fine while the other part of me just really wants a dad to hug me and say it will all be okay.  Either way, it is probably better if I just stay out of his way.  He has classes to work on and maybe he has forgotten all about me.  Like maybe not forgot, but like it is out of his mind unless he saw me again.  Who knows, but I do not need to be his problem right now.  I just hate to be alone.

.::Day 46—10:55am::.

August 15, 2016

I saw my roomie this morning. I waited until I thought she was out of the room before taking a shower, but when I checked the front door to lock it, I saw that it already was {{which I thought was odd since neither one of us has a hard key yet}} and just figured she locked it to be thoughtful of me. I was almost done with my shower when she knocked on the door. I quickly turned off the water and wrapped myself in a towel to open up the door. She told me she overslept and missed her alarm {{I am not surprised since she got in last night around 12:30am}} and was so screwed since she was already an hour late, but needed to brush her teeth. Then she left. 

I should have left 30 minutes ago for my dog walking, but I will leave in just a few minutes so I can get back and do my math homework and exam review before tonight’s exam. I am happy that I only gained .2lbs after all of the Reese’s I ate last night, but that will not be happening again. I am the exact weight I was on the 9th. It is now the 15th. This is completely unacceptable. Hopefully today’s exercise will help. I am crossing my fingers that the door will stay propped open until I get back so I can stay here instead of the computer lab.