I saw him. I just saw him. I logged out of the computer in the lab, figuring I would go to the store and he and the other faculty were all walking up the stairs. I have no idea if he saw me, but my heart feels so torn I just really need a hug, but I cannot just go up to him. Yet I cannot bring myself to leave the building either. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Do I even want to see him? What would I say? I have no fucking clue. I think I just crave someone’s attention. I crave someone caring about me. And that is not something I should expect or hope of him. 

I ate way too many calories yesterday.  I am such a failure.  I finished my math, but only got at 80% on the exam.  A few of the points deducted were machine error, but whatever.  I tried to sleep last night, but I could not get out of my head.  I ended up crying for a few minutes at nearly 2am before getting up to make some popcorn to watch Netflix for a bit.  I need to start taking Benadryl again.

I went to the interview, which went fairly well I think.  I am glad I decided to dress it up a little more than I previously planned.  I could have done better though.  I wish I had someone here with me.  When I went back to the apartment, someone had shut the door I propped open so I drove across the street and parked in a faculty lot so I could hang in AcBu, not to mention change out of my nice clothes.  I am so glad I was prepared with a change of clothes just in case.

I doubt I will get the job.  It is probably better that was anyways.  I am not overly qualified at all and I know they are interviewing other people for the position.

Also, on a side note, The Bat is here on campus today.  I guess they had some academic welcome back thing and I saw his truck…Just the relief I felt when I saw it in the parking lot.  I really want to see him, but have no idea what I would say.  Part of me wants to brush off everything that has happened and act fine while the other part of me just really wants a dad to hug me and say it will all be okay.  Either way, it is probably better if I just stay out of his way.  He has classes to work on and maybe he has forgotten all about me.  Like maybe not forgot, but like it is out of his mind unless he saw me again.  Who knows, but I do not need to be his problem right now.  I just hate to be alone.

I saw my roomie this morning. I waited until I thought she was out of the room before taking a shower, but when I checked the front door to lock it, I saw that it already was {{which I thought was odd since neither one of us has a hard key yet}} and just figured she locked it to be thoughtful of me. I was almost done with my shower when she knocked on the door. I quickly turned off the water and wrapped myself in a towel to open up the door. She told me she overslept and missed her alarm {{I am not surprised since she got in last night around 12:30am}} and was so screwed since she was already an hour late, but needed to brush her teeth. Then she left. 

I should have left 30 minutes ago for my dog walking, but I will leave in just a few minutes so I can get back and do my math homework and exam review before tonight’s exam. I am happy that I only gained .2lbs after all of the Reese’s I ate last night, but that will not be happening again. I am the exact weight I was on the 9th. It is now the 15th. This is completely unacceptable. Hopefully today’s exercise will help. I am crossing my fingers that the door will stay propped open until I get back so I can stay here instead of the computer lab.

I just finished most of my math homework from last week. I only have 3 problems left, but am going to wait until tomorrow morning when I have light in this room. Then I will have to do HW 6 {{33 questions}}, Exam 3 review, then finally Exam 3.

I did not see my roomie this morning. I have not talked to her in a couple of days. This morning I drove to a new client’s house to meet their family/dogs and go over things for when I will be house sitting the end of September. That was about an hour, which went very well, then I stopped at the store to pick up a few things. I mostly hung out in “my” room for most of the day. Thankfully I left a rock in the building’s door so I could easily get back in.

Eventually I knew I needed to start my homework so I drove to the store again to pick up some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as motivation. I had a little mini-binge, but will have things under control for tomorrow.

Someone moved in the suite next to us…I could hear all the floors creaking and it was awful. This school year is going to suck ass. I did get most of my stuff done, which is good. I have a lot to do tomorrow, but I think I can get it all done.

I feel very lonely here. I hate it.

Today was rather boring. I did eat more than I would have liked, but still relatively low. Tomorrow starts my last week on this journey. It is crazy to think how long ago I started this.

I should have done math homework, but I really do not want to. I am really in no mood to be screwing around with numbers. I did not see my roomie this morning and she came in the suite a little bit ago for just a few minutes before heading out again. I have no idea where she went or how long she will be gone.

I did hurt myself though. Pretty badly, I might add. I had to hurry up towards the end of fear that my roomie might walk in the suite and need the bathroom. It does not really hurt though now—almost like it never happened.

I sat on my dresser and actually did fall asleep, but woke up because I was so cold and eventually decided it was not worth the cold.  I got into the bed and fell asleep for a little bit, but had a dreadful night of sleep.  My roomie woke up and took a shower, but stopped by my room before leaving for her band camp.  She asked how I slept and how I was doing…I appreciate her caring, but she was not there when I really needed her.  I am certainly not going to depend on her at all lest I be let down again.  My heart cannot take much more of that pain.

I stayed in the room until 10:40am when I left for my dog walking.  Also!!!  I got a call back from the job I applied for.  I have a meeting at 2:30pm on Tuesday.  Maybe I will get the job!  How cool would that be?!

I went to the mail room to pick up a package on my to AcBu and I should have been working on math today in the lab, but I wasted all of my time trying to catch up on my posts.  I still cannot get over last night and what my roomie said to her guy.  They must know.  Now I have to go back to the room and maybe do some reading for math?  Hopefully she will call her boyfriend and leave me alone.  The last thing I need is her asking me what is wrong.

Maybe I will rearrange my furniture again.  That was fun.

I spent most of today in AcBu and just got back to the apartment a little bit ago. My roommate was nice, but I really have no energy to deal with her happy, peppy, little life. She was talking to her boyfriend on the phone when I came in so I told her to go back and talk with him and I would show her what I bought later on.

My brother drove down and we saw Suicide Squad then bought a few things for the apartment. When he left I went straight to the computer lab and stayed there for the remaining few hours.

While I was sitting here I had the door cracked and my roomie peeked in to say goodnight. Mind you, when rearranging my furniture, I moved the tallest dresser in the far corner so I could sit on {{kind of like a perch I guess}}. I have no idea why it makes me feel so comfortable, but it does. Anyways, she saw me sitting on the dresser and asked if I was okay. I assured her I was fine and told her to go talk to her guy. She asked one more time before going into her room and shutting the door. A few minutes later I heard her BF ask, “so she’s just sitting on the dresser?” Of course this peeked my interest, so I hopped down and got close to the door so I could hear her. I missed most of it, but heard him say {{since he was on FaceTime}} something along the lines of, “Does she wear bracelets a lot?…that makes sense.” I could not make out what she said, but apparently whatever she told him ‘made sense’.

Great. Now she probably thinks I am some eno freak slicing up my wrists with rocks. I am not even sure if I want to see her right now. I do not want to have to explain myself to her anymore.

I just find it funny though. Out of all the weird things she has seen me do, she questions why I am sitting on a dresser in the corner of my room? Clearly she has not paid attention to my actions at all.

The fields were all closed last night so I went back to the car and eventually decided to get some sleep. This morning I went for a short drive before heading to the gym for a shower. Afterwards I swapped out bags at my car and I sat in AcBu’s computer lab until I left to walk my client’s dogs.

I drove back to campus and spent nearly an hour rearranging my stuff in my car, figuring my roomie would be there at any time and I wanted to make sure it got done. Sure enough, I had just made it to the lab when she called, so I had to pack everything back up and head over to help her unpack.

It was weird. I am glad to see her, but it was hard trying to fake happy. I was doing so well today, but they made me a sandwich and kept harassing me about it. I ate small bites, followed by large gulps of water.

All of what happened is more or less irrelevant, but moving things was involved, as was shopping for my roomie’s stuff.

Things were fine, but it was hard being with her family. They care so much about her. They tried to get me to eat dinner too. I ate half of the wrap and half of the shake, but threw the rest out. I am going to be so depressed when I step on the scale tomorrow.

When we finally got back and her family left, we went out to get her dinner {{she was at band camp while we were out}} and started talking about Romeo on the ride back. Eventually I mentioned him doing some bad things and she insisted that I elaborate. One thing led to another and I told her. Now she said she will not let me get back together after what he did. It was a hard conversation. I just want to talk to The Bat. I just need his advice right now.

Then she wanted to call her newest boyfriend and I eventually could not handle it anymore. This guy is the real deal and treats her so well. I will never have that.
She is very sweet, but cannot understand anything that I am going through. I feel so alone. And trapped. I hate this room. I do not want to be here. I do not want to live here. I am tired of new and change.

I am going to make this short.

I did get a couple of hours sleep in the backseat of my car, but I will not be sleeping tonight.  I can only stay in the lab until midnight, then I have to head back to the car and figure out what I am going to do.  I might go running or practice soccer.  I have no where else to hide and I cannot afford to drive anywhere just for shits and giggles anymore.

I want all of this to be over.  Today I went for a long drive before walking my client’s dogs.  Once I got back to school I have pretty much been here in the lab.  Life sucks.  Life is awful.  I hate this.  I hate how I have to fight for everything when so many people just have things handed to them.  Would it be so fucking impossible for me to have something easy, just once??

I am alone.  I have nothing and I am alone.