I am a mess.  Period.

My life is in complete disarray.

My very future hangs in the balance.

/\/\/\/

My life is like the punchline to a very, very bad joke.  The kind where you laugh, not to be polite, but out of shock because you cannot believe what you just heard.  As if this terrible joke was so terrible it could not have possibly been thought of, let alone uttered out loud for all to hear.  That is what my life is like—so terrible that it is quite unbelievable.

Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself: is this really happening right now?  Now?!?

Yes, unfortunately it is happening now.  Even with everything that I cannot control, you would think I would have some sort of support group, right?  Alas, I lack that as well.  Indeed, I have one person in my corner.  One.  I am greatly appreciative of that one person, but at times I cannot help but wonder if maybe all the others who gave up on me were right to do so.  Maybe they all saw something that I could not.

I am surrounded by people who tell me I cannot.  People who have given up on me.  People who laugh, shame, and mock.  I have a world telling me all the things I am incapable of and it is overwhelming.  Nevertheless, I get back up and keep fighting.  Because I am a fighter.  I will always be a fighter.  I have been fighting for so long I no longer know what it feels like to be at peace—to rest.

/\/\/\/

When I was 16 I tried to end my life.  I thought the world was better off without me, I thought things would never get better, I though dying was the easy way out, and I thought I could not handle the pain any longer.

Almost 5 years later and I can tell you that I know those things to be untrue.

 

The world would not be better off without me. It may not be better with me, but I know that dying will not make the world a better place.  The way I see it is this: if you have a completely pitch black room—void of all light—and light a match, the room lights up quite a bit.  Little by little as you light the following matches, each lights up the room a little bit more, but none as much as the original match.  By the time you get to the 12th match, it adds a bit to the room, but it is so insignificant it might as well not even be there.  I am the twelfth match.  Although I may be capable of wonderfully amazing things, in the end it does not even matter.

Things can get better.  Odds are they will not, but even the smallest possibility means there is a chance, however improbable.  Things very well could get better in the future.

Dying is—by no means—the easy way out.  The human body was meant to live.  It was meant to survive and adapt, even in the most extreme conditions.  It was not designed to give up and die.  Physical aspect aside, do you know how difficult it is to overcome the mind’s self-preservation?  Do you have any idea how unbelievably hard it is to override that mindset in order to actually go through with such an act?  It is damn near impossible—especially if the plan is methodically thought out and not just acted on an impulse.  So no, dying is not the easy way.  It is, however, permanent.

I can handle this pain along with whatever else life can throw at me.  I have been to hell and back again.  Many times.  I guess you could say I am a frequent flyer.  I am strong and I am a fighter.  I can take anything.

 

My old mindset has been completely pushed aside.  Instead, I have thought through it all rationally and logically.  Perhaps that is the problem.  You see, before I could be reasoned with.  I could come to believe that better things were out there.  Now…now things are so much worse.

Apathy is such a tragically beautiful thing.  I no longer care.  I have no desire for things to get better.  I do not want to be happy or pain free.  I want to be nothing. I do not care about the future or what it can bring.  I simply want to be at peace and rest.

/\/\/\/

Now, I am sure you are very curious as to why I would even write such a thing.  After all, what does that have to do with anything?  Everything actually.

I want to die.  Pure and simple.  However, I have never been someone to follow trends or go along with the flow.  I ruffle the proverbial feathers and set this irrelevant trends.  Even with something as morbid as dying.  I do not wish to die like this.  No, that simply will not do.  If I die now, then everyone will assume they know why I died.  I lost my family, house, “friends”, boyfriend…I had nothing left.  If I died now there would be no intrigue, no mystery, no questioning.  They would all be so smug to think they figured it out and no note would ever tell them otherwise.  So instead I shall wait, for the time being, until I feel right.  It would be easy to end it when everything is awful…but to die when all it looking well and going great?  That will keep them guessing for sure…

/\/\/\/

So here’s to those who said I was a failure.  Said I was worthless.  Said I would never succeed.

Here’s to the backstabbers and whispers in the halls.

Here’s to the innumerable stares and comments.

Here’s to everyone who gave up on me, deeming me unsaveable—or worse yet, not even worth trying.

Here’s the the nay-sayers, the haters, the ones who bet on my fall.

 

Here is to you all.  Thank you for forcing me to depend only on myself and teaching me to trust no one.  I have no earthly idea how long my life will last, but I know it is longer than any of you suspected.

 

Here’s to you…