I am not even sure how to sum up this entire day.  They pulled on the handle near 12:30am, but I waited until 2am to come out of my hiding spot.  I did try to sleep, but I was wide awake from the rush of adrenaline I got when they checked the lock.  I could not stay comfortable for long {{especially when I crammed myself between the wall, my backpack, and the printer}} as the floor is so hard and the temperature is so freaking cold.  I have been wearing sweatpants, socks, and a jacket along with my fleece blanket, but it is still not enough.  Sometimes I have to do jumping jacks to warm up.  At least I have the pants now.  Before when I just had the shorts…it was unbearable.

Anyway, once I moved out of my hiding place, I slid under the table {{the room is a rectangle with tables pressed against the wall that hold the computers}} and tried to sleep.  I may have gotten 30 minutes, but I doubt it.  I stayed there for a couple of hours, but was in so much pain I had to move.  I did random things until 10am when I packed my stuff, changed in the bathroom, and got in my car to drive to the store.  I needed to buy some dry shampoo and an empty travel bottle to put my body wash in.  I drove back to campus and was sorting some things out when a SUV pulled up next to my car.  It was a sweet family who was looking for a visitor’s center or something similar so they could get a map of the campus.  I directed them to the guest parking lot and informed them that most of the buildings would be closed since it was Sunday.  They left and I finished organizing my things.

I walked towards the student union, thinking they may have wandered that way, just in case they needed anything else.  Sure enough, they were all walking towards me and waved.  They tried the doors, but as I predicted, they were locked.  I stopped for a moment and asked if they found what they needed.  Apparently they found a walking tour map, but asked if I knew where a bathroom was.  I told them to follow me and walked them to AcBu, trying to make successful small talk—I am terrible at it.

When we got there, the doors were unlocked so I showed her the bathroom and answered a few questions when they got out.  We parted ways and I went up to the single bathroom on the second floor.  Man, I should have been using this bathroom all along.  It is just for one person so I have the entire “room” with mirror and all.  It makes changing much easier.  I used the dry shampoo, which did not seem to help much, but then again I could have done it completely wrong.  Once I was done I headed back to the car, having forgotten to buy another two little travel sized bottles for my shampoo and conditioner.  This would help save space in my backpack when I went to the campus gym to shower tomorrow.

It did not take me very long and I was back in AcBu’s computer lab.  Now here is the tricky part: tomorrow this lab is closed {{as per the paper sign on the door}} so I need to make sure I am out of here before anyone comes in tomorrow.  I need to make sure I do not run into whoever is walking around in the building, checking doors, but I also need to be aware that I have no idea when whoever is going to come in here tomorrow.  I figured I can stay until 4am, then I should head out.  Maybe I will stay in the car for a bit or even walk around campus.  I tried to sleep a little this morning because I know I have to stay awake all of tonight, just in case.  Because that person came an hour early this morning, I will be hiding next to the printer with my stuff around 11:30pm or so.  Once I hear them check the door {{and cross fingers they do not come in}} I can wait a few minutes before setting my stuff up again.

.::.

I feel so weird in this room.  It is hard to explain.  I do not feel safe, by any means, but maybe it is a feeling comfort or familiarity.  I mean, I am anxious as hell here and it seems to worsen each day.  Each day I risk the chance of someone finding me in here and that thought is terrifying.  Every sound sets me on edge.  I begin to see things that are not really there, I become paranoid and feel frozen with fear, yet maybe it truly is the feeling of familiarity that brings feelings of near-easiness {{I will never feel at ease anywhere so this is probably the closest I will ever get}}.  I know this room.  I know every detail, every square inch.  I kind of wish I had thought about this earlier.  This is a much nicer place to stay than my car or shacking it with strangers.

This weird feeling confuses me.  It is as if I feel attached to this room as one would feel for a home.  I have none, so this may just be what that feels like.  It almost makes me chuckle to think of when I sneak out of the room to the bathroom down the hall and back.  As I head back to the computer room, I constantly look behind me, practically stop breathing do I can hear of any indication there is someone close by.  Once I can confirm that I neither hear nor see anyone, I take my shoes in hand and sprint to the end of the hall where the room is, quickly sliding inside and locking the door behind me.  The act reminds me of a young child running back to a parent as the unofficial “safe zone.”  Granted, I never had that “parent safe zone,” but I have seen enough children do it to appreciate the similarities.  So while I may not feel safe here in this room, I must feel less safe outside of it.  This room is my safe zone, my room.  It separates me from the others outside.  And right now it is the only home I have.

So yes, I think I feel attached to this room.  I will probably stay here for as long as I can.  This room is stable and constant.  It is not going anywhere right now.  Even though I am on edge right now, freezing at every minute sound.  I know I should be fine for the next few hours, but I feel like someone may barge in at any time. But even so, I still feel like this is my room.

So for now, this will be my little home.  This will be mine.  I need this room.  I need to have something.  It is not ideal nor perfect, but it is something I have to myself.  Hopefully it can stay that way for a little bit.

.::.

I will probably write something tomorrow morning before I leave.  Romeo just called, wanting to talk—more specifically wanting me to talk, which is freaking me out—and the timing was just a few hours off.  I wish he would have called earlier because I get nervous every time I say something.  I have no idea why I feel bad for being busy because he is the one wanting to play gf/bf without the titles.  Or more like I act like his girlfriend and he does not have to reciprocate.  I should stop now before I make this any longer.  Hopefully I can settle my nerves a bit.

They just tried the door. Oh my gosh. My heart started racing! I have been tucked away in the corner, but I was far more anxious when they tried the door this time. Probably because I was anticipating it. I am so glad I went to the bathroom early. I would have been so screwed if they found me in the hallway.

It is interesting to note that they came an hour earlier {{12:22am}} than they did yesterday morning. Wonder why that is.

I will probably stay in this corner for a little while longer before coming out and chilling in one of the chairs.

I have a long night ahead of me.