I just finished most of my math homework from last week. I only have 3 problems left, but am going to wait until tomorrow morning when I have light in this room. Then I will have to do HW 6 {{33 questions}}, Exam 3 review, then finally Exam 3.

I did not see my roomie this morning. I have not talked to her in a couple of days. This morning I drove to a new client’s house to meet their family/dogs and go over things for when I will be house sitting the end of September. That was about an hour, which went very well, then I stopped at the store to pick up a few things. I mostly hung out in “my” room for most of the day. Thankfully I left a rock in the building’s door so I could easily get back in.

Eventually I knew I needed to start my homework so I drove to the store again to pick up some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups as motivation. I had a little mini-binge, but will have things under control for tomorrow.

Someone moved in the suite next to us…I could hear all the floors creaking and it was awful. This school year is going to suck ass. I did get most of my stuff done, which is good. I have a lot to do tomorrow, but I think I can get it all done.

I feel very lonely here. I hate it.

Today was rather boring. I did eat more than I would have liked, but still relatively low. Tomorrow starts my last week on this journey. It is crazy to think how long ago I started this.

I should have done math homework, but I really do not want to. I am really in no mood to be screwing around with numbers. I did not see my roomie this morning and she came in the suite a little bit ago for just a few minutes before heading out again. I have no idea where she went or how long she will be gone.

I did hurt myself though. Pretty badly, I might add. I had to hurry up towards the end of fear that my roomie might walk in the suite and need the bathroom. It does not really hurt though now—almost like it never happened.

I sat on my dresser and actually did fall asleep, but woke up because I was so cold and eventually decided it was not worth the cold.  I got into the bed and fell asleep for a little bit, but had a dreadful night of sleep.  My roomie woke up and took a shower, but stopped by my room before leaving for her band camp.  She asked how I slept and how I was doing…I appreciate her caring, but she was not there when I really needed her.  I am certainly not going to depend on her at all lest I be let down again.  My heart cannot take much more of that pain.

I stayed in the room until 10:40am when I left for my dog walking.  Also!!!  I got a call back from the job I applied for.  I have a meeting at 2:30pm on Tuesday.  Maybe I will get the job!  How cool would that be?!

I went to the mail room to pick up a package on my to AcBu and I should have been working on math today in the lab, but I wasted all of my time trying to catch up on my posts.  I still cannot get over last night and what my roomie said to her guy.  They must know.  Now I have to go back to the room and maybe do some reading for math?  Hopefully she will call her boyfriend and leave me alone.  The last thing I need is her asking me what is wrong.

Maybe I will rearrange my furniture again.  That was fun.

I spent most of today in AcBu and just got back to the apartment a little bit ago. My roommate was nice, but I really have no energy to deal with her happy, peppy, little life. She was talking to her boyfriend on the phone when I came in so I told her to go back and talk with him and I would show her what I bought later on.

My brother drove down and we saw Suicide Squad then bought a few things for the apartment. When he left I went straight to the computer lab and stayed there for the remaining few hours.

While I was sitting here I had the door cracked and my roomie peeked in to say goodnight. Mind you, when rearranging my furniture, I moved the tallest dresser in the far corner so I could sit on {{kind of like a perch I guess}}. I have no idea why it makes me feel so comfortable, but it does. Anyways, she saw me sitting on the dresser and asked if I was okay. I assured her I was fine and told her to go talk to her guy. She asked one more time before going into her room and shutting the door. A few minutes later I heard her BF ask, “so she’s just sitting on the dresser?” Of course this peeked my interest, so I hopped down and got close to the door so I could hear her. I missed most of it, but heard him say {{since he was on FaceTime}} something along the lines of, “Does she wear bracelets a lot?…that makes sense.” I could not make out what she said, but apparently whatever she told him ‘made sense’.

Great. Now she probably thinks I am some eno freak slicing up my wrists with rocks. I am not even sure if I want to see her right now. I do not want to have to explain myself to her anymore.

I just find it funny though. Out of all the weird things she has seen me do, she questions why I am sitting on a dresser in the corner of my room? Clearly she has not paid attention to my actions at all.

The fields were all closed last night so I went back to the car and eventually decided to get some sleep. This morning I went for a short drive before heading to the gym for a shower. Afterwards I swapped out bags at my car and I sat in AcBu’s computer lab until I left to walk my client’s dogs.

I drove back to campus and spent nearly an hour rearranging my stuff in my car, figuring my roomie would be there at any time and I wanted to make sure it got done. Sure enough, I had just made it to the lab when she called, so I had to pack everything back up and head over to help her unpack.

It was weird. I am glad to see her, but it was hard trying to fake happy. I was doing so well today, but they made me a sandwich and kept harassing me about it. I ate small bites, followed by large gulps of water.

All of what happened is more or less irrelevant, but moving things was involved, as was shopping for my roomie’s stuff.

Things were fine, but it was hard being with her family. They care so much about her. They tried to get me to eat dinner too. I ate half of the wrap and half of the shake, but threw the rest out. I am going to be so depressed when I step on the scale tomorrow.

When we finally got back and her family left, we went out to get her dinner {{she was at band camp while we were out}} and started talking about Romeo on the ride back. Eventually I mentioned him doing some bad things and she insisted that I elaborate. One thing led to another and I told her. Now she said she will not let me get back together after what he did. It was a hard conversation. I just want to talk to The Bat. I just need his advice right now.

Then she wanted to call her newest boyfriend and I eventually could not handle it anymore. This guy is the real deal and treats her so well. I will never have that.
She is very sweet, but cannot understand anything that I am going through. I feel so alone. And trapped. I hate this room. I do not want to be here. I do not want to live here. I am tired of new and change.

I am going to make this short.

I did get a couple of hours sleep in the backseat of my car, but I will not be sleeping tonight.  I can only stay in the lab until midnight, then I have to head back to the car and figure out what I am going to do.  I might go running or practice soccer.  I have no where else to hide and I cannot afford to drive anywhere just for shits and giggles anymore.

I want all of this to be over.  Today I went for a long drive before walking my client’s dogs.  Once I got back to school I have pretty much been here in the lab.  Life sucks.  Life is awful.  I hate this.  I hate how I have to fight for everything when so many people just have things handed to them.  Would it be so fucking impossible for me to have something easy, just once??

I am alone.  I have nothing and I am alone.

They took it from me. It is gone.

I have no idea what happened. One minute I was barely staying awake, then I remember a blueish light? My legs were stretched out, not tucked as they should have been. That is why there were seen. I remember thinking oh shit, but I do not remember hearing the door open. Why did he come in? Why did he not just check the handle like he has been {{or whoever it was}}?  I must have nodded off for a few minutes because I remember looking around the corner of the printer and seeing the security guard. He made some sort of comment about me taking a nap and told me all the buildings closed at midnight. I thanked him for letting me know and apologized, grabbing my shoes and heading out of there.

Now that spot is tainted. Not only did he find me, but he found me in my hiding spot. I am so disappointed. Maybe I would have gotten away from it if I had not been so damn tired. As we speak right now I am having these stupid micro sleeps so I think I will lie down in the back seat of my car for an hour or two. Otherwise I will have no chance to work on my math homework.

I am breaking under the exhaustion.  I have been awake for so long, my body deprived of rest, I am experiencing microsleeps.  I just got off the phone with Ian after having an hour long conversation and there were several times when I had to check the time because I thought I fell asleep on him, but the time was still the same, just a few seconds later.  Trying to write this right now is damn near impossible.  Every other word is misspelled and I am not making very much sense.  The monitor next to me lit up and it appears that one of the IT guys was using remote access to mess with it…that was startling.

Everything around the room is moving and it is really screwing with my head.  And if that is not bad enough, I am having auditory hallucinations as well.  For the past couple of hours I swore up and down I heard a country radio station playing and even got up to pinpoint the location, but to no avail.  Eventually I realized it was all in my head.  I am even beginning to hear voices talking as if they are right outside the door…this is hell.

Holy shit are my senses good.

I was a nervous wreck, pacing back and forth across the room until 11pm when I squeezed next to the printer yet again. Once I sat in my hiding spot, my heart slowed a bit and I began to calm down. I was still nervous and on edge, but I was more at ease.

12:17 rolls around and I am preparing myself for the lock check. 12:22…I nearly held my breath. Then I finally hear it. It is in the distance and ever so faint, but I hear the jingle of keys and what sounds like very fine foot steps coming my way. Sure enough, 12:24am they checked the door and moved on.

I am able to settle much faster than I did yesterday. That is good. Now I just need to sit here for another little bit. Maybe till 1am and then I can move back to the chair. Just to be on the safe side.

I am not even sure how to sum up this entire day.  They pulled on the handle near 12:30am, but I waited until 2am to come out of my hiding spot.  I did try to sleep, but I was wide awake from the rush of adrenaline I got when they checked the lock.  I could not stay comfortable for long {{especially when I crammed myself between the wall, my backpack, and the printer}} as the floor is so hard and the temperature is so freaking cold.  I have been wearing sweatpants, socks, and a jacket along with my fleece blanket, but it is still not enough.  Sometimes I have to do jumping jacks to warm up.  At least I have the pants now.  Before when I just had the shorts…it was unbearable.

Anyway, once I moved out of my hiding place, I slid under the table {{the room is a rectangle with tables pressed against the wall that hold the computers}} and tried to sleep.  I may have gotten 30 minutes, but I doubt it.  I stayed there for a couple of hours, but was in so much pain I had to move.  I did random things until 10am when I packed my stuff, changed in the bathroom, and got in my car to drive to the store.  I needed to buy some dry shampoo and an empty travel bottle to put my body wash in.  I drove back to campus and was sorting some things out when a SUV pulled up next to my car.  It was a sweet family who was looking for a visitor’s center or something similar so they could get a map of the campus.  I directed them to the guest parking lot and informed them that most of the buildings would be closed since it was Sunday.  They left and I finished organizing my things.

I walked towards the student union, thinking they may have wandered that way, just in case they needed anything else.  Sure enough, they were all walking towards me and waved.  They tried the doors, but as I predicted, they were locked.  I stopped for a moment and asked if they found what they needed.  Apparently they found a walking tour map, but asked if I knew where a bathroom was.  I told them to follow me and walked them to AcBu, trying to make successful small talk—I am terrible at it.

When we got there, the doors were unlocked so I showed her the bathroom and answered a few questions when they got out.  We parted ways and I went up to the single bathroom on the second floor.  Man, I should have been using this bathroom all along.  It is just for one person so I have the entire “room” with mirror and all.  It makes changing much easier.  I used the dry shampoo, which did not seem to help much, but then again I could have done it completely wrong.  Once I was done I headed back to the car, having forgotten to buy another two little travel sized bottles for my shampoo and conditioner.  This would help save space in my backpack when I went to the campus gym to shower tomorrow.

It did not take me very long and I was back in AcBu’s computer lab.  Now here is the tricky part: tomorrow this lab is closed {{as per the paper sign on the door}} so I need to make sure I am out of here before anyone comes in tomorrow.  I need to make sure I do not run into whoever is walking around in the building, checking doors, but I also need to be aware that I have no idea when whoever is going to come in here tomorrow.  I figured I can stay until 4am, then I should head out.  Maybe I will stay in the car for a bit or even walk around campus.  I tried to sleep a little this morning because I know I have to stay awake all of tonight, just in case.  Because that person came an hour early this morning, I will be hiding next to the printer with my stuff around 11:30pm or so.  Once I hear them check the door {{and cross fingers they do not come in}} I can wait a few minutes before setting my stuff up again.

.::.

I feel so weird in this room.  It is hard to explain.  I do not feel safe, by any means, but maybe it is a feeling comfort or familiarity.  I mean, I am anxious as hell here and it seems to worsen each day.  Each day I risk the chance of someone finding me in here and that thought is terrifying.  Every sound sets me on edge.  I begin to see things that are not really there, I become paranoid and feel frozen with fear, yet maybe it truly is the feeling of familiarity that brings feelings of near-easiness {{I will never feel at ease anywhere so this is probably the closest I will ever get}}.  I know this room.  I know every detail, every square inch.  I kind of wish I had thought about this earlier.  This is a much nicer place to stay than my car or shacking it with strangers.

This weird feeling confuses me.  It is as if I feel attached to this room as one would feel for a home.  I have none, so this may just be what that feels like.  It almost makes me chuckle to think of when I sneak out of the room to the bathroom down the hall and back.  As I head back to the computer room, I constantly look behind me, practically stop breathing do I can hear of any indication there is someone close by.  Once I can confirm that I neither hear nor see anyone, I take my shoes in hand and sprint to the end of the hall where the room is, quickly sliding inside and locking the door behind me.  The act reminds me of a young child running back to a parent as the unofficial “safe zone.”  Granted, I never had that “parent safe zone,” but I have seen enough children do it to appreciate the similarities.  So while I may not feel safe here in this room, I must feel less safe outside of it.  This room is my safe zone, my room.  It separates me from the others outside.  And right now it is the only home I have.

So yes, I think I feel attached to this room.  I will probably stay here for as long as I can.  This room is stable and constant.  It is not going anywhere right now.  Even though I am on edge right now, freezing at every minute sound.  I know I should be fine for the next few hours, but I feel like someone may barge in at any time. But even so, I still feel like this is my room.

So for now, this will be my little home.  This will be mine.  I need this room.  I need to have something.  It is not ideal nor perfect, but it is something I have to myself.  Hopefully it can stay that way for a little bit.

.::.

I will probably write something tomorrow morning before I leave.  Romeo just called, wanting to talk—more specifically wanting me to talk, which is freaking me out—and the timing was just a few hours off.  I wish he would have called earlier because I get nervous every time I say something.  I have no idea why I feel bad for being busy because he is the one wanting to play gf/bf without the titles.  Or more like I act like his girlfriend and he does not have to reciprocate.  I should stop now before I make this any longer.  Hopefully I can settle my nerves a bit.